The Grim

Not much was said in the long car ride to the hospital. April had tried to converse me, to take my mind off it and even to reassure me but I was firmly zoned out the window. I watched the beating rain turn the bitumen into a gleaming, black slate as the car sped through, sending layers of water onto the sidewalk. No body dared be out in this, save the homeless seeking refuge in public barbecue shelters and in the more metropolitan areas, out the front of takeaway stores.
April's car pulled to a stop in the hospital car park and we both got out of the car. Thankfully, the car park was under cover and we were sheltered from the heavy downpour, though the bashing on the corrugated iron was borderline deafening. Still silent, we began walking towards the automatic doors of the hospital. "I can't believe this is happening..." I mumbled, almost to myself. April grabbed hold of my hand and squeezed it. Her hand was soft and slightly warmer than I expected. It made me feel slightly less edgy and I managed a weak smile and a glance her way.
"I don't even know what to say Jason, this is horrible. But i'm sure something will be learnt and that in the end it will be okay," she paused. "Cliche, i know. But sometimes, cliches are that way because they are true."
"I hope so, its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel now..." I trailed off as we entered the hospital. The fluorescent lights of the lobby blinded me at first and i felt myself actually shielding my eyes from the light to my embarrassment. There were only a few people present on the waiting chairs which was to be expected given the time on the clock read 11:03 and it was still only Thursday. No doubt if it was Saturday night it would have been packed. We walked over to the service desk where the middle age receptionist sat at her computer, busily typing something. In a matter of seconds, she acknowledged us, asking "How can i help you?" with a warm, inviting smile on her face. I told her about the phone call i received and she knew straight away who i was looking for. She made a call and another nurse approached us from a corridor to our right. She had an empathetic smile on her face as she told us to follow her down the corridor to the emergency wing. We past several other ill people in rooms with their doors ajar, most of them just staring at the rain beating on their windows. The whole atmosphere here was very somber, more so than you would expect from a hospital.
"This is it," the young woman said as she opened a door on our right. I could barely force a sound from my throat as i attempted to thank her, so i nodded for clarity. April, whom had been holding my hand the entire time squeezed a little harder. I looked at her and she smiled back, her eyes glistening somewhat radiantly in the artificial lights of the hospital room. I found myself smiling back before i even thought to make a response.
"I'll wait outside, you call me if you need me," she said kindly, kissing me on the cheek and releasing my hand.
"Thank you," I replied, entering the room.
Joel wasn't awake when i walked in. He was lying flat on a white hospital bed which was propped against the wall. The bedside table had nothing on it, no flowers and no cards and it probably would stay that way for the duration of his treatment.  There was a woman who, judging by her white coat and clipboard she was jotting on, was a doctor.
"Hello Mr. Springstein?" she asked. I nodded.
"My name is doctor Martinez. Your friend Joel here is in a stable condition and no longer in need of life support," she informed me.
"W-w-what happened?" I questioned, staring at the life support machinery by his bed that i had not noticed up until now.
"He was brought here in an ambulance. He was conscious at this stage, this is when he asked us to call you. Only a short while after that, he suffered a mild heart attack which we were thankfully able to revive him from."
"Heart attack?" I asked, puzzled.
"Yes, its a common symptom of methamphetamine overdose. He is lucky he got here so fast,"
"Where was he?"
"He was found outside Scottsdale Primary School on a bus stop bench. A passer by saw him and the needle on the ground and called us when they couldn't wake him." We both looked at him resting in silence for a while.
"Okay, he shouldn't be out for much longer. I'll leave you with him," she left the room. I sat down on the arm chair provided for visitors and put my head into my hands. I was now completely emotionally and physically drained, i needed sleep. I began to sob, slowly at first without my realization i was doing it. There was no particular reason that brought me to tears, it seemed that everything had mixed together to create this black hole i felt i was now in. I knew it was selfish, but i needed to let it out. I wanted so badly just to rest and to be out of reality at this point, but i knew it was a wish that would not be granted.
April must have heard my crying because she entered the room and without a world, walked to the other side of the room where a plastic chair was for other visitors, picked it up, placed it next to me and sat down, placing her arm over my shoulders and pulling me towards her. She was so warm I felt as though i was a child again and this woman was going to protect me from the evils in the world.
After some moments i controlled myself and withdrew my head from her bosom and turned to Joel. He still lay there, breathing regularly. Sweat had began to form on his face, he was obviously to hot which was odd considering the room was fairly cold.
"She said he is going to be okay," I told April. She smiled in such a delightful manner, i actually felt my aching body warm a little.
"You see? I told you," she replied in a semi-mocking tone. I appreciated the attempt to cheer me up but was unable to show it with anything but a contorted smile. The thoughts circled my head. Was I responsible? Could I save him? I felt a wave of anxiety creeping on like a dark veil shrouding the world around me. I couldn't take it anymore. I looked around the room and saw Joel's jacket folded in a chair on the other side of his bed. I went over, picked it up and began to search the pockets. Sure enough, on the inside pocket of his fo-leather jacket was his hip-flask he always had on him and this time, it was surprisingly full.
"What are you doing?" asked April with a concerned expression on her face.
"The only thing i really can at the moment," I replied, zoned out on the flask in my hand. I needed this now, the walls had began to shrink around me or I had began to expand. It was an all to familiar feeling of complete helplessness. The fear was immense. I opened the flask and chugged down the entire contents in about ten seconds. Almost immediately i felt my throat, followed by my stomach, grow warmer. I let out a very faint chuckle as i internally compared the sensation to April's smile previously. I returned to the seat next to April, her eyes now staring directly ahead of her. Clearly she didn't approve of the decision i just made, but who was she to judge me? She hardly knew me and i wasn't feeling anyway inclined at this stage to put my best self forward to her. As a matter of fact, it hardly...
Joel murmured something and April and I both rose to our feet as he regained consciousness.
"It's alright," i assured him as he tried to sit up. I gestured him back onto the bed. He looked around the room as if he were on some hostile alien world; panicked the evil inhabitants had discovered his whereabouts. His face slowly became less uneasy as he began to realize where he was.
"I'm... I'm sorry," were the first words he strung together, seemingly against his own will. I don't think i had ever heard him say that.
"It's okay mate, Jesus..." I replied, realizing i hadn't actually figured out what i was going to say to him. I felt the vodka warming my head now and the weight of the world was growing lighter on my shoulders. Either that, or i was getting stronger.
"...Why?" I finished, not having a better way to put it.
"I... It's hard, ya know?" I knew. I knew exactly what he meant. I knew about his father's disappearance when he was nine. I knew about his mother replacing his father with various forms of cheap wine. I knew he couldn't stand being there and how conflicted he was over resenting and loving his own mother at the same time. We didn't talk about these things, but i knew.
"Yeah, I know things aren't easy for guys like us kid... I should've answered you, i'm sorry... I was just..."
"Pissed at me?" he finished my sentence. I nodded.
"I know, i deserve it sometimes. I know i'm a fucking train wreck and that all of this shit is selfish but..." he trailed off. We just stood there for a good minute in some kind of limbo between one another, awkwardly clueless as to how to convey proper emotion to each other. It was one of the many social dysfunctions we shared, thus a fundamental element to our relationship.
"So this is the chick from the other night?" he asked, breaking the silence like a mallet on glass.
"Yeah, last night. This is April," I told him. They exchanged smiles.
"Hey," April said. It was to be expected their introduction was going to be awkward after all that April had seen of him and Joel's general uneasiness towards women.
"Hey," he replied, looking down to his hands which he had now released from to blankets and was twiddling nervously.
"I'll give you two some space," said April after several eternity-long seconds. She then turned to me "I'll be outside when you're ready."
"Thank you," i said. I then realized just how good she had been about all this for a practical stranger and felt somewhat guilty for my previous angry thoughts.
"I really appreciate everything..." i said, looking her in the eyes.
"It's fine Jason. Just you worry about your friend," she replied, turning and exiting the room.

Joel and I talked for probably ten minutes about what he was going to do now. He told me he wasn't going to do it again and he just needed to go back to Dr. Cooper for his medication and some further counseling. I believed him for the most part but insisted i come with him just be insure that he did. He then told me he would be fine in the hospital and tomorrow his mother would come and pick him up, though I offered to find a way to get him. There was no way he would want to explain this to her, especially not alone. It would always end up about his father and eventually, he would be blamed for it all. For as long as i had known him this was how their relationship worked. Constant emotional warfare where they both lost their minds with each other and in the end, both sought comfort in some substance or other. This wasn't the first time he had been here and I had a feeling it wouldn't be the last...

The Lost Soul

Part VII In the end, the decision was easy. If I had seen Joel at this stage, there was a fair chance I would defile his genitals with a meat cleaver. He had a very uncanny ability to get under my skin without even trying and last night was an all time record, even for him. Sometimes, I doubted he even knew what it was to respect another person but I guess that was just the way he was.
On the other hand, my saving grace April, seemed what u would nearly consider to be suspiciously keen to see me. I'd only met her last night and I'd hardly given her much incentive to pursue any kind of relationship with me, with my immasculine display and all. 

I replied to her 'Hmmmm... Depends on who this is? :P'. Hopefully she got that as a joke and didn't interpret me as being completely retarded. I'd already instructed the taxi driver to drive me back to my house on Simmer Lane and we were now approaching the driveway.

"$14.30 thanks mate," he requested as we stopped. I really needed to get myself a car soon, this taxi business was consuming a considerable amount of my weekly pay. Having a car in Scottsdale was definitely practical as public transport was terrible and the town was scattered out over a large area. Maybe I'd get one with my next tax return if it was enough, though i doubted it. Getting my tax done was often celebrated in much the same fashion as any other event in my world was celebrated. Drinking. Except this time, Joel and I might drive to a bigger city like Bundaberg and blow my money on casino suites and other frivolous things neither of us needed.

I got out of the car and felt the light kiss of an early evening drizzle on the back of my neck. The sun had long since set and the house was dark, making it difficult for me to navigate my way to the back door. I'd lost my front door key in a drunken haze some time ago so the back was the only way I could get in. After a while stumbling around by the screen light on my phone, i entered my house and started to get changed. I noticed April had replied saying 'If you haven't figured it out by now you don't deserve to know :P'. I was in the process of changing my trousers so she was going to have to wait for my reply. If she wanted to see me, I needed to spend considerable time selecting my attire. I realized at this stage that I actually had no idea what it was we were going to do. I didn't really want her to come over to my house as I hadn't gotten anywhere near finishing the work around the place that I needed to. I decided on meeting her down at the town park where we could be mostly alone, aside from my fellow alcoholics stumbling around looking for a safe place to booze it up. I sat down on my spill stained couch to text her and realized how exhausted I was. Nursing both a hangover and no sleep as well as the throbbing sensation in my head (no doubt brought about by the punch), I wasn't even sure i was going to be able to function. But I had to, chances like this didn't come my way often. 'Alright, I'll take a guess. Meet me at the park in half an hour satan :P.' I replied. Getting off the couch, I proceeded to search the house for any remaining alcohol to help me cope with the fatigue and of course, that ever present shyness I had around people I barely knew, especially girls I was interested in. I found an eighth of a bottle of cheap vodka lying underneath my bed. I had no idea how it got there, but that was irrelevant. I found the two shots i got out of it to be more than sufficient to putting my mind in the necessary state.
I arrived at the park five minutes before I had told her to be there. For a change, it was completely empty. The only sign of movement i could see was one of the old rusty swings rocking slightly backward and forward in the light breeze. By now it was 9pm and the drizzle had stopped, though the clouds looming in the distance gave the impression of an imminent downpour. As if to answer my thoughts, i heard the rumble of thunder somewhere in the expanse of the horizon. Perhaps meeting outside was not a good idea, i had to live with it now though. My phone gave off a shrill, annoying swipe noise; kind of like the sound of a sword being unsheathed. I really needed to change my message tone but hadn't got round to it. I read the message, it was from Joel again saying 'Bro....?'. I replied telling him i was busy and tonight was not going to happen.
A white Hyundai Excel pulled up behind me in the parking lot and April emerged with a smile. She was wearing a long, black trench coat type jacket, a purple scarf and a dark beanie. A wise choice considering how incredibly cold it now was.
"Hey stranger!" she said as she walked over, looking slightly down and placing her feet over the curb.
"Hey, whats happening? And more importantly, why are you luring me to ominous places after dark?" I joked, somewhat confidently which surprised me.
"Well, I didn't wanna be seen with you wearing anything like that abomination of a jacket you had on last night. Besides, you chose this place! Also i needed to give you this," she smiled, handing over a card. Puzzled, i took it and read it: 'Dear Jason, you are formally invited to a fancy dress party in aide of April Winters 23rd birthday this weekend. Super hero theme and BYO drinks, hope you can make it!'. It was written in calligraphy and the card smelt slightly of strawberries. I smiled at her.
"Thank you, I'll be there with bells on. But can I ask you something?"
"Sure,"
"Do you think this jacket is lame to because this is one of my favorites and i put a lot of time into selecting it for this rendezvous," I said, lifting the front flaps of my jacket for her to give her opinion. It was pleather, but i did love it. She laughed.
"Well, it certainly does match your hair,"
"That's exactly what i was aiming to do, you're to kind," i bowed slightly. In the sweet, cool air of the autumn evening, we stopped momentarily and looked at each other. I knew we were both anticipating what was going to happen now and she was waiting for me to be the man and take the lead. Thankfully, i realized this before the moment got awkward and i held my elbow toward her for her to hold. She took it and we walked down towards the riverside and proceeded to follow it in the direction of the coast.
"So April, I have to know something."
"Whats that?"
"You said you had to deliver me that invitation and I'm certainly happy to be here with you right now, but why in god's name would you even want to see me after my unfortunate first impression?" She took a breath and closed her eyes for a bit longer than a standard blink.
"The truth is you intrigue me. I see something in you. On the surface, you're shy and confused and frankly if you don't mind me saying, a bit of a mess. But in the brief ramblings i heard from you when you were in and out of;consciousness, I witnessed something... Beautiful inside of you. Maybe the world has been cruel or maybe you have some shit in your past you won't let go of. I don't know. But what i do know is that I want to know you." I was speechless. No one had ever measured me like that before, especially in such an up front manner when they had known me less than a day. What she was saying made sense but i was incapable of understanding my own demons so i could neither prove nor disprove it.
"Wow... That's one hell of a reason," I laughed slightly awkwardly as she ran her eyes over my face to see if she had upset me in anyway. I felt myself blushing, partly because i was embarrassed and exposed, partly because she was so god damned beautiful in the way her eyes moved.
"It's all I've got," she replied returning her focus to where we were heading. We walked in silence for a while and then the conversation started to pick up again. Time slipped away and we were in our own world in which we were the only two occupants. I felt myself becoming extremely comfortable around her as i revealed more and more about myself which was quite unusual for me. I learned that she was studying at university to become a journalist and she was also a keen pianist/singer. She had a lot of ambition and seemed very comfortable in being herself which was refreshing considering the crowds i usually hang out in.

My phone rang in my pocket so i pardoned myself and looked at the screen. It was a local number i didn't have stored so intrigued, i answered it.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Mr. Jason Springstein?" a woman questioned
"Yes." I replied, confused.
"This is Nancy calling from the Scottsdale regional hospital. You're friend Joel Watkins has been admitted here and you are the only contact he requested," I was shocked.
"What happened? Is he OK?" I asked in a concerned and surprised tone.
"He's alright at the moment. It seems to be a drug overdose of some kind but we aren't sure at this stage, he isn't able to tell us as he is still very hazy." I didn't know what to say. I knew Joel had had problems with methamphetamine in the past and this was surely some kind of relapse. Was this my fault? A sick feeling in my stomach set in and all the anger I had built up towards him over the course of the day subsided.
"I'll be there as soon as i can," I said, ending the call. April was looking at me, concerned.
"Everything okay?" she asked.
"No... Joel is in hospital... I don't know why yet. I'm sorry, i'm going to have to go."
"Shit... That's terrible, do you need a lift?" I didn't have a car and not a lot of money to catch another taxi so I accepted the offer. Plus, somewhere in the very back of my mind i still wanted to be around her. Perhaps she could help me deal with the guilt i was now feeling with her presence. I obviously cared for Joel's welfare, no matter how much he pissed me off at times.
The rain began to set in and we witnessed flashes in the sky, as if nature was setting a mood for the turmoil I now felt inside. We ran back to Aprils car and drove in the direction of the hospital.

The Hard Decision

Part VI

I stepped out of the car; my knee length woolen boots crunching in the snow. The skies were clear and blue and there was an eerie silence there among the snow dunes. I could see the snow capped mountains on the horizon and taste the icy breeze on my warm tongue  I closed my eyes and inhaled a large breath of this refreshing oxygen.
I began to walk up the nearest dune, approaching the apex in the hopes of seeing what was laid out ahead. I only made it probably a quarter of the way up when a man on a horse came over the top with urgency. He was dressed in fur and carried a sword on his back. His beard was long, glorious and as black as the void.
"Sovereign! You must come with me post haste! The realm is under attack!" he boomed. I turned to the car, but it wasn't there. Just white nothingness in this beautiful wonderland. I turned back to the man, his horse now reared before me. He ushered me to climb on the back, so I began to. As I did, I heard a distant and irritating rhythm. I concentrated, it sounded like... Eminem?

I woke suddenly and sharply to the high pitched squeal of my shifty mobile phone speakers playing my mp3 alarm tone. For some reason, I always set my alarm tones to songs I enjoy, consequently making me hate them. In this instance, i was no longer a fan of 'Without Me'. I felt extremely tired and as though I'd been hit around the head with a large, dead fish. Why was this incessant noise disturbing the wonder and marvel of my dreams? I reached over and bashed violently around my bedside table. I knocked over a glass of water in the process, but eventually I found the phone and hastily turned off the song. I laid there a moment, dangerously close to drifting off again. Then I remembered the events of the night before.
April had left me. There was a note on the pillow I saw and my heart skipped a beat. Perhaps a phone number? Instead, it read simply 'Good morning :)'. I wasn't really sure how to take it, weather this was a good or a bad sign. Would I ever see her again? I was going to have to ponder it on the move because I needed to get ready pronto. It seemed i snoozed several times because I only had twenty minutes to shower, shave, dress and walk to work.

I got up, made my way to the shower and pondered how tired I was and how unenthused i felt about spending eight hours at my place of employment. I was a full time shelf-stacker at a local supermarket called Wentworths. It was the most degrading thing in my life as I absolutely hated having to be nice to people that made me feel smaller than them. Not so much the customers, more the management. Day in, day out i would drive my body to its limits trying to adhere to their super-human schedule and still i was slandered and trodden on. I had developed a serious grudge against 'The man' and subjected myself to a waterfall of alcohol to wash the shame of being a cog in a machine i despised.

I stepped out of the shower and glanced at my phone. Ten minutes to get ready and walk to work. It was going to be a struggle. I cut myself four times shaving with my blunt razor, partly due to rushing, partly due to the aforementioned dullness of the blade. I placed little ripped up bits of toilet paper on the bleeds and threw my clothes on and ran out the door. I was so tired, i couldn't remember if i had locked it, but didn't have time to check.

I arrived at work, clocking on with the fingerprint scanning machine. The time read 6:03. I was no doubt going to have some snide remark thrown my way for my lack of punctuality. I walked with haste to the stock area and grabbed my first trolley of boxes for the day...

The morning crept very slowly into the afternoon as i droned away at the same monotone tasks i did most every day. When it came time to eventually clock off, i was ecstatic. I retrieved my phone from my locker. Three new messages and one missed call from a private number. I hate private numbers. Now i would never know who this mystery call was from. One message was a message saying i had missed a call, one was from Joel and one was from a number i didn't have saved. I read the one from Joel 'Hey man, I'm sorry about last night. I can be a fuck head sometimes... :/ Anyway, what are you doin tonight?'. Typical, some short winded apology followed by his incessant need to do something. There was no way i wanted to see him tonight, I had no desire to pretend we were fine. I read the mysterious phone number message 'Hey Hey, guess who? :)'. I really didn't know. I hadn't lost a number for years so unless someone got a new number (and even then, i don't know why they would message me as no one ever does), I had no idea who this was from. I replied 'No idea... Hint?'. The thought crossed my mind it may be April and I smiled slightly to myself.
I walked briskly back to my residence, exhausted and debating weather or not i would take a nap when i arrived. As much as I really wanted to, any moment spent away from that place was precious so i decided I would probably use the time to clean all the empty bottles and contraband that was no doubt still littering my home. Snowballs chance in hell Joel had been around to fix it. I arrived and walked through the back door which was unlocked as I had thought in my manic rush that morning. It didn't seem anyone had been in there, though you could forgive a less informed individual for thinking that it had been invaded by a tribe of mad natives. It was a filthy mess, resembling more of an abandoned brothel than an average, suburban dwelling. Broken bottles on the floor, countless spilt liquids, cigarette ash and a broken vase my mother had given me for Christmas. Thankfully, I hated it and was not overly fond of bright colours so it seldom had flowers in it anyway. I decided to start by having a smoke out the back as i hadn't had one all day and was in desperate need. As I sat inhaling the sweet nectar, my phone rang in my pocket. I fumbled around my pants with one hand while the other flapped the cigarette about the air in an attempt to avoid burning myself in the rush. I nearly missed the call but managed to get it out in time. I answered "Hello?"
"Hey hey Jason, what ya doing?" the female voice at the other end responded. I recognized it immediately as being my ex-girfriend Veronica Phelps. We had been together three years and broke up almost a year ago by her doing. The decision wasn't a mutual one at first, but with time I saw wisdom in it. The three years of our relationship were some of the greatest of my life, we had loved each other with the intensity of a cyclone, the only problem was the carnage it left behind. We weren't right for each other and this was abundantly clear in our excessive and intense arguments. The only thing we had in common was our feelings for one another but ultimately, that was not enough. I often thought of it as being kind of sweet that we stuck it out for each other. I still cared about her, i could never stop.
"Hey hun, I just got home from that shit hole of a job of mine. What's up?" I replied.
"Oh, i was just thinking of you and I got an extra half a kilo of lamb leg to roast tonight. Thought I could interest you?" I thought for a moment.
"Sounds great! You gonna pick me up?"
"Sure, I'll be there in an hour,"
"Sounds divine. See you then,"
"Catchya," She hung up. Now, at least i didn't have to worry about adding pressure to my already broken body by forcing it to feed itself. I hadn't seen Veronica in about a week so it would be nice to spend some time with her. I did miss her and the way she cared for me...

We pulled up in Veronica's driveway in front of the house she had just bought. It was overkill. It was just her and her cat that lived here and she had five rooms last i counted.
"Should be about ready by now, i'd better run in and check in case my kitchens on fire!" said Veronica with a quirky expression as she ran up the garden path to her front door. She was so short, I'd almost forgotten it. She was at least a whole head smaller than I but it was in a kind of sexy way. I had always been very attracted to her, that was never a problem in our relationship. She had short blonde hair now, a change from the fiery read head I'd met years ago. But definitely not a bad one, it was matched well with her deep brown eyes. As I strolled up the driveway behind her, i reached into my pocket and retrieved my phone. Two new messages. Joel again saying 'Man, i need you right now. I feel like a cunt and I'm havin real problems. Please answer :(.' I decided i'd reply to him after tea, let him suffer a bit longer. He deserved it after seeing the extent of my homes desolation an hour earlier. The other was from the unnamed sender earlier 'I think you know who... I still need you to convince me your buddy isn't a douche bag ;)'. The realization dawned on me that it was indeed April. I nearly dropped my phone in excitement and immediately felt like an idiot for feeling that way. Knowing it was her was like a streak of sunshine in the thick blanket of misery my life was currently enveloped by. But, in order for me to even have a remote chance with her, she needed to remain oblivious to this fact. Therefore, I decided it best to play it cool and hesitate from answering for at least an hour so i returned the phone to my pocket and walked in the open front door to Veronica's house.
Her house, as per the norm, was immaculately clean the way she liked it. Living with me had always been a challenge for her because of this fact. The cream coloured carpet was spotless, the curtains were neatly laced up and the late afternoon sun was warmingly shining through. She had the coffee table in the middle of the lounge room lit up with five white candles in golden holders. The big plasma television was set up adjacent from this with the blue two person couch on the other side. Perfect set up for watching TV and eating as we had done everyday after work all that time ago. I pictured her doing it here on her own now and it saddened me. She must have been so lonely in this enormous house with only the likes of her annoying cat Tiffany to keep her company. The best reason i could gather for why she was still single is because perhaps she was a little weird, hence her attraction to me. Or perhaps also that she severely lacked in confidence as her parents had not provided her with the emotional support she needed which was pivotal to personal growth. Either way, I knew she didn't want to be here on her own and i felt it was my duty to keep a smile on her face whenever i could, i owed her that.
"Honey, could you give me a hand?" she called from the kitchen. We still used pet names with each other. Our relationship was like an old battlefield, still littered with the chaos of war but no soldiers still skirmished.
"Coming," I responded, walking into the kitchen which was also shining like a diamond minus the preparation tools for our lamb roast. I assisted her by getting the Lamb from the oven with a tea towel as this was always what i had done to help out. As I sat it on the bench to rest, she asked "Jason, can I talk to you?"
"Of course you can darling, what's wrong?"
"I'm not doing so well here on my own," she began, her voice cracking slightly as a sure sign things were not okay behind her brave face.
"I'm struggling to pay for this place on my own and my parents just got divorced. Work is a nightmare and at the end of the day, none of my friends seem to get me like you do," she wrapped her arms around me and i held her back. I realized how much i missed the sensation of human contact, apart from the fist-to-face kind.
"Sweetheart, i know it's hard. I'm not exactly getting by easily either and i'm not one to be able to give you a lot of advice on the subject..." She cut me off.
"I don't need advice. Right now, I just need you to hold me," she began to sob. So I did. For a good long while we just stood in the kitchen as she cried salty tears all onto my black five dollar polo top. My mood grew somber as I related with the pain she was in; desperately wanting to take us both away to a place where we belonged and no one had to hurt anymore. But that place really didn't exist as far as I could see or surely we'd have found it by now. After some time, I broke the silence.
"Well, when it's really hard V, just remember Tiffany has it just as hard," I joked. I got a chuckle and she pushed me away and wiped her eyes.
"Thanks," she said, beginning to carve the leg of Lamb.

We sat fairly quietly eating our tea and exchanging idol conversation with one another. I had really missed how warm it felt to be in a nice home with good food and a good woman. It was authentically peaceful and for a while, i found myself feeling as if i were there, in the relationship again. That scared me somewhat and i quickly jumped back from my delusions and into reality.
We spoke for a while about our lives and how we were fairing in the world and i offered what little advise and support i could which she seemed to appreciate. I would do anything to see to it she spent the rest of her life in happiness, though it seemed there was really nothing i could do. Perhaps to walk out of her life would be best so she could properly move on, but then again, i couldn't stand not knowing how she was so my motives in the end were ultimately selfish. When she asked about me, I tried to lie and make out things were fine and that i wasn't spiraling around the drain but she saw through it. She knew i was having a hard time finding my purpose out there and my methods for numbing the purposelessness. There was nothing she could say she hadn't already. We were just two tortured souls finding comfort in one and others different inabilities to function.
The television was advertising some kind of towel heater, you plug it in and it keeps the towels warm. What a genuinely superfluous idea this seemed yet it was being pushed on TV as if it were as necessary as air. Things like this just served as a quiet reminder that i really did not belong in this world.
We finished our meals and I pondered staying with Veronica the night, she would have been glad to have me and i normally would have. However, this time I had other business i wanted to tend to and I didn't want to hurt her feelings by spending time texting people. I thanked her and we hugged again for a long time. There was even a kiss on the lips good bye. She was definitely in an emotional ditch i could tell as every time i had tried to kiss her in this way since we split, my efforts were met with her struggling to pull her head away. I wasn't complaining.
I walked out the front door to where the taxi i had called earlier was waiting to pick me up. I got in the back seat and looked at my phone. Two messages, one from Joel reading 'Man, seriously! I really need u. I'm sorry for everything but this is important!' and the other from the unknown whom i was now sure was April '...well, if you were looking to convince me I don't have much on tonight ;)'. Wow, this was the most I had felt needed by so many people in a long time!
I sat in the back seat of the taxi and the driver turned and asked "Where to?"

The Shortened Slumber

Part V

At first, all i could see was a hazy blur. I felt peaceful. It was a brief window into what i could only imagine was an empty and clear mind with nothing but my consciousness shining through. Unfortunately though, it ended with the first sensation i regained being pain. My head was throbbing all over, primarily in my jaw and the upper right corner of my skull. As soon as the pain kicked in, i began to panic. Where was I and why the fuck couldn't i see anything but skewed colours? I violently began blinking and strangely at the same time, realized it was really loud. My vision returned and i saw i was at home, half-sitting/half-laying on the couch. There were strange people in my lounge room and what i assume was Tupac was playing obnoxiously loud on my sound system. Everyone was drunk it would seem and the atmosphere reeked of spirits and cigarettes.
I glanced up the wall to the clock. 4:25 the analogue hands indicated. Memory started rushing back of the drinking and the punch up. The sun was down i could see through the non-illuminated vertical blinds. I sheepishly calculated in the space of around thirty seconds that i started work in two hours and thirty-five minutes. I was going to feel like shit. But, at the forefront of my mind was a whirlwind of questions. I looked around the room for Joel or at least someone i recognized. He wasn't in the room.
I attempted to stand but immediately felt dizzy.
"Woah, you can't get up yet!" an empathetic and oddly familiar warm voice instructed me, struggling to contend with the music. I looked up to see her walk in from the hallway. What the fuck was she doing here and why was she telling me what to do? She came over and knelt down beside the couch.
"Sorry, i would have taken you somewhere quieter but you were adamant you wanted to sit on the couch," she said. I had spoken to her? This was obviously not the first time i had regained consciousness.
"Uhhh... It's okay," I struggled. "What happened?" That was the only question i could think of to which the answer might cover most of the lack of current knowledge i was having.
"Well," she began, placing her hand on my leg and looking up at me. "You jumped in to save your douche bag friend and Jamie, my best friends douche bag boyfriend punched you in the head," she said, smiling at me. I melted a little, trying desperately to conceal it.
"After you fell, shit got a little heated. There was yelling and screaming but the bar staff grabbed us all and removed us. You were outside with a bouncer and I saw you there and asked him what they were going to do with you. They told me you were in and out of consciousness and you needed to go home. So, considering your 'mate'" she gestured parentheses with her fingers "was no where to be seen, i took the honor. I felt i owed it to you for nearly knocking you out the first time near the toilets," she winked. I smiled weakly.
"Thank you..." I said, not sure weather to be ashamed or not yet. "How did you get me home?"
"Well, we waited for a taxi for half an hour, you didn't say much which is understandable. Every time you did though, you insisted we could walk it. I insisted I couldn't carry you. The taxi eventually came and here we are. Oh, and you gave me the address," she smiled. She still had failed to explain the ridiculous number of strangers partying at my residence.
"Wow," i said rubbing my head and gazing around the room.
"Thanks for doing that... Why are..."
"...there like 30 people dancing around your house?" she cut me off, finishing my sentence.
"Yeah, it's kind of freaking me out a bit," I responded.
"Well, i cant be certain, but I'm pretty sure it had something to do with your loud-mouthed friend,"
"Shit I'm sorry. I forgot to apologize for him, he is an arrogant dick sometimes," I said, suddenly remembering i had actually let his actions go unacknowledged.
"It's alright, I don't really know what you see in him. But, then again i barely know you," she looked at me questioningly. Every ounce of my frail being was terrified of this person. I always felt people could see my soul through my eyes like i was exposed, but she was worse. I felt her numbering my flaws and arranging them in her head, it was unsettling. But i couldn't help but stare back. There was a very soothing calm in hers. It was a feeling of open and complete seperatelessness, yet at the same time her essence alluded me. A puzzle i wanted to solve.
"I'm not like that so much. His sober characteristics really do outweigh his shitty drunkeness." I lied. I couldn't tell her the truth about our co-dependency. It would show how weak i really was.
"Hmmm... You will have to convince me of that," she smiled. My heart fluttered as i caught the slight impression she intended to give me that chance.
"What's your name?" she asked.
"My name?" I repeated, somewhat stunned she even wanted to know. "My name is Jason..." She extended her hand with intention to shake mine.
"Well hello there Jason, my name is April. If i told you my last name would you promise not to laugh?" she asked, shaking my hand.
"Can't be any worse than Springstein..." I replied. My last name bothered me, I wasn't sure why as most people didn't really seem to mind it. She laughed.
"Well, it is kinda actually..." she said rolling her eyes slightly. "Winters," she finished.
"Are you for real?" I asked, somewhat excitedly. I felt myself growing more comfortable around her which is something that was very unnerving for me. I was going to have to shut down soon, this was getting to... I stopped my self-sabotage monologue and finished with "Your name is 'April Winters?'"
"Did i stutter?" she replied in mock anger. I laughed at her.
"Fair enough then, it's kinda cool I suppose," i said, not having much else in me to say as i was dazed and confused. There was a short silence, then i said "I guess i better solve the mystery of this rave."
"Lead the way," she said, smiling. I got up slowly from the couch, April helping me up with her elegant yet short fingers. She had short fingernails, clearly a nail-biter, as was I. We wondered about the house, around the random drunks. I checked the spare bedroom, which i could see Joel was passed out in with some strange woman sleeping at the foot of the bed like a dog; arm over the edge half holding a bottle of vodka as gravity slowly pried it to the floor. Surprisingly  she was completely clothed in some full body pink dress. Joel often used this room for his pick-ups, it disgusted me but due to my current friend crisis, i let him get away with bloody murder. This time was an exception, however. I was fucking angry at him as i was 99% sure this was his fault. I ripped the blankets from over top of him, got the vodka bottle from the girls hand and poured the mouthful or two of the liquid on his face.
"Fuck! What?!" he blurted, slapping his face violently in confusion.
"What the fuck is going on in my fucking house you sociopathic fucking mongoloid!?" i yelled, waking his female company. He looked at me and could see i was pissed. He backed down.
"Uhh... I don't know. You disappeared and i ran into these people who were looking for somewhere to party and yeah, this happened..."
"Well, i have to work in like 2 hours so i'm going to bed! Get these cunts out of my house or I won't be letting you in it anymore," I lowered my yelling a little. April was behind me and i didn't want her thinking i was a complete nut.
"Yeah, alright. Sorry man," he said, slowly getting out of bed. I returned to the lounge room and turned the music off as Joel went about pushing the inebriated occupants to the door.
"I've gotta sleep. Thank you again for everything you did, that was really... special," I said, turning to April. She smiled back at me, melting me as it always did. What was wrong with me?
"It's okay, it was a pleasure. Let me take you to bed," she said, grabbing my hand and leading me to what i could only guess was her assumption of where my room was. This caught me a little off guard. She certainly wasn't shy.
We arrived unscathed into my messy bedroom, complete with empty beer bottles strewn everywhere all over the dirty washing. It smelt like stale cigarettes, the bed was unmade and the scungy lamp i had was still on laying on the floor. I really needed to clean up, this was embarrassing.
"Is this your room?" she asked, shocked expression on her face.
"Well... Yeah. I didn't leave it like this," my second lie for the night. I was already lying to her. The sad truth was I was so completely ashamed of who i was, there was no way i was ready to share this damage with her. At least not yet. Thankfully, no doubt due to the current circumstances, she bought it.
"Bastards," she said, spreading my blankets out and gesturing me to enter my bed.
"Don't get any ideas, you're gonna have to buy me dinner first," she said, using some kind of cheeky smile i had never seen anyone use before. This was hard for me but i found a relatively smooth response in "Of course not, i'm a perfect gentleman," I smiled at her. I got into the bed and oddly enough, she laid down next to me.
"So Jason, how is the head?"
"Hmmm... Still spinning relentlessly... Tomorrow is gonna suck!"
"You better get what sleep you can then..." she replied soothingly, running her hand down my face, closing my eyes. Maybe I was still unconscious and this was a dream, but it felt so real. I wasn't really sure what to do so i just did what she said. She finger massaged my head for a bit, telling me my brain needed comforting. It didn't make a lot of sense, but i went with it. She could have told me she was shielding my mind from alien probes and i would have done as she asked.
"Good night," I whispered.
"Good night," She whispered back. Simple yet elegant somehow. It fit, here in this dark room of filth. I was elevated away for a few moments before i fell asleep. Taken to somewhere that wasn't quite as foreboding as the reality i had single-handedly built myself, brick by brick. Here with her in this one particular moment in frozen time, I actually felt home. I drifted off...

The Trivial Redemption

PART IV

As I inhaled the dry and soothing smoke from the taylor made cigarette I had bummed off some random individual moments earlier, I could see the atmosphere outside the pub was far more intense than inside. There were a lot of drunken, rowdy young men laughing hysterically and far fewer young ladies sitting at tables. This was typical in this town however. The ratio of men to women was somewhat unbalanced, thus making it difficult for any man (or lesbian) to find a night time 'partner'.
It was now 11:00. I started work in 7 hours. I closed my eyes and tried to shake the helpless feeling of knowing there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I sculled a few mouthfuls of my beer to numb the pain a bit and I noticed I was feeling mildly tipsy.
"Fuck you're a girl!" Joel drunkenly stammered as he stumbled over from wherever he was, Jack Daniels in hand. He was clearly inebriated.
"What the fuck? What have I done this time?" I said impatiently. I really wasn't in the mood tonight. Joel and Jack Daniels meant a bad night for anyone who interacted with him. He got a little angry on it.
"With that chick before, you were sayin... She basically wanted you to fuck her right there," he paused, chuckling to himself "but you left like a pussy. You know what? I'm gonna go find her," Then he walked off in the direction of the bar
"Hang on for fucks sake!' I yelled as I jumped to my feet. Last thing I wanted was for him to go and humiliate me further which was all he was capable of doing at the moment.

Joel pushed through several groups of people on his way through the inner crowd, all the while I was following with an apologetic look on my face every time one of them looked at me, as if i were somehow responsible. This is always how i felt in crowds; like there was something i should be doing that i wasn't. Doctors called it 'social anxiety', i called it 'fear of fitting in'. I really didn't want to be like all of the broken angels of this place. I didn't want to be content living in the lower-middle class so i rebelled against it. My rebellion however, was only in my alcoholism, which harmed only me. I often thought of myself as a crusader for good and that my self-destruction was somehow poetic and noble. But who was I kidding? It was pathetic.

"Hello ladies," Joel said, extending his hand to the four gorgeous young women he had reached at the bar whilst i was soul searching. Thankfully, none of them were her.

"Fuck off," one at the back of the pack said, rudely. She clearly had no time for drunks tonight. Joel had a disgusted look on his face. 'Shit...' i thought to myself. This was not going to end well.

"No, you shut the fuck up slut, i wasn't even talking to you," he replied, pointing at an innocent woman at the back. Clearly, he had no idea who had said it. Before anyone could react, I stepped in front of Joel and lowered his arm, turning to the women.

"I'm sorry about him, he doesn't mean it. He has had a rough day..." I tried to excuse him, but to no avail. Joel piped up again "Like fuck! This whore thinks she's fucking better than me!" he said, trying to push past me to get in her face. I cringed and turned around. By this time, we had attracted the subtle attention of the drama hungry audience, desperate to see some action but not wanting to appear that way as they all glanced out the corner of their eyes. The bar staff had also began to notice. We were going to get kicked out, i could see it coming.

"Who the fuck is this cock bag?" a booming voice said. I turned from Joel and the crowd at our backs to see that a man, much larger than either of us, had stepped out from behind where the girls stood. Obviously, a fitness junky and it was also becoming obvious he was the boyfriend. Shit.

"What the fuck you say to me?" Joel snapped his anger quickly onto the new antagonizing party. There wasn't going to be much more time for words so i mustered up every bit of liquid strength i had and pushed Joel back, turning to the man. I took a step towards him and noticed out the corner of my eye she was standing by the women Joel had approached. She obviously only just got there because her face was contorted in a manner that displayed surprise and shock. I quickly noted her presence and added it to the courage i had mustered.

"Mate, this is all a misunderstanding," I began, waving my arms submissively without looking weak, trying to diffuse the situation.

"My friend here..."

"Your friend? Your friends with this mother fucker?" he raged at me. I was in some real trouble now.

"Well, yeah. He got fired from his..." I began to make some excuse for why Joel was being his usual asshole self when in the blink of an eye, i felt this ridiculously well built jock's knuckles impacting with my cheek; rattling my teeth. I hoped i hadn't looked to pathetic and i wished i wasn't with Joel and about a thousand other things as i fell to the floor. My head smacked the polished boards hard, then it was black...

The Encounter

PART III

She glided through the double doors as if she were on wheels. I wasn't sure what was more beautiful: her or the way she presented herself. Her hair was just past shoulder length and blueberry black though it wasn't natural. She stood of average height, was in her early 20's, a slim figure, a weak tan and wore a light blue full-bodied dress. She entered with others though I was so mesmerized by her aura, I couldn't even take note of their number or genders.
For a moment, as she looked around the room, our eyes met. I flushed extremely red and turned away. Joel must have noticed because he was grinning at me and glancing at her.
"What's the plan then?" He asked.
"What do you mean?" I responded, even though i was pretty sure i knew what he was going to say.

"How are we gonna make them come back with us," he said, gesturing at the black haired beauty and what seemed to be three other young ladies that came in with her. This wasn't going to end well. I had no intentions of interacting with this girl. Not one like her. I shoot for well below what i consider to be my class and my class was around the same level as a barrel of rotten fish.

"We'll figure that out over a couple more frothies," I said, raising my beer. Joel's face showed a lot of enthusiasm. I looked at him and wondered why he was the way he was. By no means was he ugly, he was probably slightly more attractive than me. He had brown hair and eyes and a perfect set of teeth with next to no acne. He was only 24 and he was built like i brick shit house. If he wasn't such a complete and utter cunt, he could easily find a willing tart to go home with him. But, somewhere in his up bringing, he was taught to hate women. Probably his mother, though she seemed nice to me. Hating women can be a successful means of coercing them into doing your sly bidding, but its all about execution. Joel's methods were about as witty and calculated as a meat cleaver.

I glanced around the room again, trying to locate her; to no avail. I felt a barely measurable fright in my stomach at the knowledge that maybe she had just past through and i would never see her again. Not that it mattered if i did, i wouldn't do anything. I just wanted to stare at her for a bit and hopefully not be seen, lest i be regarded as a creep. After the stomach shock subsided, i realized there was another organ in there trying to tell me something.

"I gotta do a piss, be right back," I told Joel as i got up and made my way for the toilets. I scanned for her as I moved. No sign. As I walked through the restaurant area, i noticed the place was starting to liven up a bit and more young hipsters were gathered. I went to make my way around the corner into where the male and female toilets were located when i bumped shoulders fairly hard with someone slightly shorter than me. My heart skipped a beat upon the realization it was her. We both turned to each other with apologetic looks on our faces. Her face... Her eyes were the most exquisite tone of green i had ever seen. If i could ever marry someone based solely on their looks, this was the girl.

"I'm so so sorry," she said in an understated kind of shriek. Her voice sounded like a much younger girls but it was wrapped in a very warm vibe. Her arms outstretch in front of her to brush my shirt back to a relatively similar position.

"Um..." I stammered as i was completely thrown out of my comfort zone. I wasn't even drunk! Somehow i managed to find words just before the delay got awkward.

"That's okay. I'm sorry, i should have been paying more attention. Are you alright?" Wow, that was considerably smooth considering how incredibly nervous I was.

"Oh i'm fine, i'm a tough girl. It's definitely my fault, i was in a bit of a rush. My friends are waiting for me to get them a drink,"

"Are you sure?" I responded, trying to get chatty but crashing and burning like an airplane missing a wing.

"What? Am i sure they're waiting or am i sure i'm ok?" she replied jest-fully, with a slight but ever so dazzling smile. It caught me off guard. I just laughed weakly and smiled back. She sensed I wasn't going to say much else and continued with "yeah, definitely." 

Then that three second pause ensued in which i had a window to say something. To be a fucking man. Of course, i didn't take it. The universe basically threw my dream girl at me and all i had to do was reach out and take her. But i didn't.

"Alright, have a good night anyways," I said, turning back towards the toilet. She smiled and turned away also and i let the pain reach my face. I silently cursed myself, what the fuck was my problem? I was definitely punishing my liver tonight!

The Visionary

PART II

It occurred to me as we made the short stumble towards Trinity that i hadn't actually eaten anything since mid-day yesterday and that was only some shitty re-heated chicken wrap from the take away place near my work. I had a choice. I could either over compensate for my lack of nourishment through excessive alcohol consumption or i could make what would be largely considered the correct choice and purchase some kind of sustenance from the in house restaurant in Trinity. I made a decision i don't usually make and opted for food.
"I'm really fucking hungry bro," i told Joel as we walked abreast towards the bar.
"We'll go halves in chips and gravy and have em in the smokers area then aye?" he replied. This sounded good to me so we agreed on it.

We sat and ate our chips. Joel was abnormally quiet. He just sat across from me at the bar, his shoulder to me as he surveyed what he typically referred to as 'prey' moving around the building. Tonight was fairly dead, though it was only 7:15 and it usually didn't pick up on Thirsty Thursdays until about 10:00. My favorite three days: Thursday  Friday and Saturday. They were days when my unnatural habits didn't seem so different from everyone else. Days where I could blend in with the rest of the world; as if i were a vampire on Halloween. My drinking level was obviously larger than anyone really knew and here at this bar on this night, my dysfunction could slip right under the radar.
Of course, we both had a generic beer in front of us with our dinner. It tasted terrible with the clashing flavors of the chips and gravy, but i didn't really care. The food kept me alive and the beer kept me sane enough to stay alive. I surveyed the rest of the bar myself. A few older couples, some old men laughing around a keg table, a few children playing while their parents ate. A pretty normal kind of scene. Clearly, if i was going to have any fun before the decay of society arrived, i was going to have to get fuck-eyed.
"Shot?" I questioned Joel, who had now returned his gaze to the behind of one of the lady bar tenders as she bent over to get him another beer.
"Sweetheart, could you grab us two Jagerbombs while you're there?" He asked without confirmation. She turned back to acknowledge him, smiled weakly and moved across to where the spirits were kept. I caught a faint glimmer of disdain on her face when she thought it was concealed. I don't think she liked Joel, but i couldn't blame her. He was a sleaze, he always had been. He viewed women as achievements; things he must collect as often as possible in order to validate his existence  That was something I liked about him. He completed me in a sick and twisted way. I always followed along with his misogynistic mannerisms, but deep down i thought quite the contrary. If anything, i considered the fairer sex to be above me. More important, more valid in such a broken down society. It killed me to see them so willingly sacrifice their own Majesty the way they do.
"Lets do it then," Joel said to me as he lifted the recently placed plastic shots over the glass of Red Bull, ready to drop. I followed and we did a Jagerbomb. Not a drink i particularly enjoy, but it picks me up at the same time as blacking me out so i do it anyway. I swung around on the bar stool in shock as the pungent taste of the hard liquor resonated in my mouth. I shook my head a few times comically and my eyes fell to the back door of the bar. That's when i saw her...

The Beginning

PART I

I woke slowly, my eyes adjusting to the dullness of the sun trickling through my broken lounge room blinds. That moment of confusion seemed to pass much slower than usual as I questioned where I was and pondered why my mouth tasted like nuclear waste. I lifted my head and glanced around at the chaos of the room. Among the rubbish (nearly all of which consisting of empty beer bottles) I pieced together the embarrassingly simple truth of where I was. I was at home.
That's what I called it. The box where i dwell on this earth waiting to die. It had been years now since I had really lost the will to stop myself from doing any number of self-destructive activities. What was really the point? Being sober just bored me so much I felt the only escape from my soul relentlessly begging me to stop and do something proactive was to drown its feeble cries. Then there was also my 9-to-5 that I felt inescapable from, like spiraling a black hole. It payed my habits and paradoxically fueled my pain. We were codependent.
This particular morning however, I did not have to visit my second box out in the real world. Today, i could spend several hours developing deep anxiety about having to return to my employers midst until the fear was so great, i would crack open a fresh bottle of jagermeister and do drinking stunts alone by my cheap strobe light i found on eBay. Ahhh the joys of being an over achieving alcoholic.
I got up slowly from the couch, feeling my head spin ever so slightly as it always did after these lone benders. A shower was what I needed, that would get me right to face the world. After ten minutes of sitting on the porcelain floor with the borderline boiling liquid seeping down my body, I decided it was time to do it. To address some of this shit inside of me that always won in the end. Every few weeks I would try and every time i failed, it got longer between attempts. Maybe i would just finish the beer in the fridge and then i could stop for a week?
I was pondering this when my mobile telephone rang obnoxiously. This was not a trivial Facebook notification informing me some asshole liked my hate status from my blind drunk brain last night, nor was it a message from my boss informing me that i was actually meant to work today and I had simply forgotten today was Wednesday not Thursday. This was a phone call from one of the few actual friends I had remaining. Joel Lavings. So, intrigued,  i picked up the vibrating plastic object and pressed the green light on the screen.
"Hello," I said sheepishly, realizing my voice had yet been used today.
"Hey man, what ya doin?" Joel's enthusiastic voice made me want to punch him.
"Uhhh... Just had a shower and was about to have my morning coffee and smoke," I answered.
"You mean afternoon right? You do realize its like fuckin' 3 pm you daft cunt!" Joel was one of those close friends that no matter how vulgar, vile and offensive they were, you just brush it off like froth on a beer.
"Shit, really?" I said, taking the phone down from my head to inspect the time. He was right. Usually, my somewhat alcohol damaged brain is incapable of sleeping very late in the day and this was a real moment for me. An amazing feat that I haven't been able to do since high school!
"Yeah dickhead," I heard his voice from the phone i still hadn't returned to my head as i was busily having a silent celebration of sorts. I felt like i dickhead immediately after that.
"Well fuck, I'm up. Whats the go?" I said.
"Well, it's Thursday night bro. Lets go out to Trinity and slay some sluts!" He exclaimed with excitement. I was excited somewhat more that i did indeed have the day right. Joel wanted me to go to Trinity, one of the only local pubs worth going to in the small town of Scottsdale. It usually always sucked but we didn't have much choice and every single time we would think to ourselves 'Tonight will be different' but it rarely was.
"Ummm... I think I work early..." I paused "But fuck, kicks the shit out of sitting round here all day. I'll get ready. Head round when you want."
"Aight, catchya cunt," he replied, and the phone fell silent. I was shattered that my attempt at sobriety had already been thwarted. There was always next time though. I lived only around the block from Trinity so my house was the ideal meeting point. I would have to clean the pad just in case either one of us actually managed to return home with something that resembled a woman. That seldom happened however. The only thing i ever returned with was a lighter wallet, a shit load less brain cells and almost always less dignity. Joel didn't get much either, but he was so persistent he never spent long between sexual interactions. For every twenty times maybe he would come home with someone. For me, maybe every fifty. Though i didn't complain. I had no real skills or anything that would remotely interest a woman. I could juggle VERY averagely and if you got me really drunk, you might get to see my attempts at ollying a skateboard. I was very average and kept to myself most of the time in front of the television trying to figure out exactly how I ended up in this rut. More to the point, how to get out of it.
I went to my closet and selected denim jeans and a deep red T-Shirt, not really giving it to much thought as i slapped it all on. I wasn't on the prowl tonight. The thought of interacting with a woman right now scared the fucking shit out of me. Like her very gaze could pierce the crippling mess inside of my soul. There was no way i wanted anyone to see the ugliness in there and tonight, i didn't feel confident enough to dismiss this ridiculous thought.
Joel let himself in.
"You look like a dickhead," he said affectionately as he brushed my shoulders and looked me up and down like a mother does for her son. I pushed his arms away.
"Fuck off, i'm ready. Lets ditch this Popsicle stand and go find some adventures," I said in a monotone voice, just balancing on a knifes edge between sarcasm and enthusiasm. I was good at acting out bits and pieces of the shit that i knew from this world. How to be a friend, soccer coach, surfer, cunt, electrician ect. I hadn't picked what i was tonight. My mixed emotions about the triumph of sleeping in and my sobriety vowel i failed in five minutes just had my personality sitting as a stagnant mess.
But tonight would at least be interesting. The alcohol and brisk cold air of the inner city would awaken the party animal inside and i would accelerate into something else entirely. Something i hated being less. Something that had more life in it than I did. Something that knew what it wanted...