The Lost Soul

Part VII In the end, the decision was easy. If I had seen Joel at this stage, there was a fair chance I would defile his genitals with a meat cleaver. He had a very uncanny ability to get under my skin without even trying and last night was an all time record, even for him. Sometimes, I doubted he even knew what it was to respect another person but I guess that was just the way he was.
On the other hand, my saving grace April, seemed what u would nearly consider to be suspiciously keen to see me. I'd only met her last night and I'd hardly given her much incentive to pursue any kind of relationship with me, with my immasculine display and all. 

I replied to her 'Hmmmm... Depends on who this is? :P'. Hopefully she got that as a joke and didn't interpret me as being completely retarded. I'd already instructed the taxi driver to drive me back to my house on Simmer Lane and we were now approaching the driveway.

"$14.30 thanks mate," he requested as we stopped. I really needed to get myself a car soon, this taxi business was consuming a considerable amount of my weekly pay. Having a car in Scottsdale was definitely practical as public transport was terrible and the town was scattered out over a large area. Maybe I'd get one with my next tax return if it was enough, though i doubted it. Getting my tax done was often celebrated in much the same fashion as any other event in my world was celebrated. Drinking. Except this time, Joel and I might drive to a bigger city like Bundaberg and blow my money on casino suites and other frivolous things neither of us needed.

I got out of the car and felt the light kiss of an early evening drizzle on the back of my neck. The sun had long since set and the house was dark, making it difficult for me to navigate my way to the back door. I'd lost my front door key in a drunken haze some time ago so the back was the only way I could get in. After a while stumbling around by the screen light on my phone, i entered my house and started to get changed. I noticed April had replied saying 'If you haven't figured it out by now you don't deserve to know :P'. I was in the process of changing my trousers so she was going to have to wait for my reply. If she wanted to see me, I needed to spend considerable time selecting my attire. I realized at this stage that I actually had no idea what it was we were going to do. I didn't really want her to come over to my house as I hadn't gotten anywhere near finishing the work around the place that I needed to. I decided on meeting her down at the town park where we could be mostly alone, aside from my fellow alcoholics stumbling around looking for a safe place to booze it up. I sat down on my spill stained couch to text her and realized how exhausted I was. Nursing both a hangover and no sleep as well as the throbbing sensation in my head (no doubt brought about by the punch), I wasn't even sure i was going to be able to function. But I had to, chances like this didn't come my way often. 'Alright, I'll take a guess. Meet me at the park in half an hour satan :P.' I replied. Getting off the couch, I proceeded to search the house for any remaining alcohol to help me cope with the fatigue and of course, that ever present shyness I had around people I barely knew, especially girls I was interested in. I found an eighth of a bottle of cheap vodka lying underneath my bed. I had no idea how it got there, but that was irrelevant. I found the two shots i got out of it to be more than sufficient to putting my mind in the necessary state.
I arrived at the park five minutes before I had told her to be there. For a change, it was completely empty. The only sign of movement i could see was one of the old rusty swings rocking slightly backward and forward in the light breeze. By now it was 9pm and the drizzle had stopped, though the clouds looming in the distance gave the impression of an imminent downpour. As if to answer my thoughts, i heard the rumble of thunder somewhere in the expanse of the horizon. Perhaps meeting outside was not a good idea, i had to live with it now though. My phone gave off a shrill, annoying swipe noise; kind of like the sound of a sword being unsheathed. I really needed to change my message tone but hadn't got round to it. I read the message, it was from Joel again saying 'Bro....?'. I replied telling him i was busy and tonight was not going to happen.
A white Hyundai Excel pulled up behind me in the parking lot and April emerged with a smile. She was wearing a long, black trench coat type jacket, a purple scarf and a dark beanie. A wise choice considering how incredibly cold it now was.
"Hey stranger!" she said as she walked over, looking slightly down and placing her feet over the curb.
"Hey, whats happening? And more importantly, why are you luring me to ominous places after dark?" I joked, somewhat confidently which surprised me.
"Well, I didn't wanna be seen with you wearing anything like that abomination of a jacket you had on last night. Besides, you chose this place! Also i needed to give you this," she smiled, handing over a card. Puzzled, i took it and read it: 'Dear Jason, you are formally invited to a fancy dress party in aide of April Winters 23rd birthday this weekend. Super hero theme and BYO drinks, hope you can make it!'. It was written in calligraphy and the card smelt slightly of strawberries. I smiled at her.
"Thank you, I'll be there with bells on. But can I ask you something?"
"Sure,"
"Do you think this jacket is lame to because this is one of my favorites and i put a lot of time into selecting it for this rendezvous," I said, lifting the front flaps of my jacket for her to give her opinion. It was pleather, but i did love it. She laughed.
"Well, it certainly does match your hair,"
"That's exactly what i was aiming to do, you're to kind," i bowed slightly. In the sweet, cool air of the autumn evening, we stopped momentarily and looked at each other. I knew we were both anticipating what was going to happen now and she was waiting for me to be the man and take the lead. Thankfully, i realized this before the moment got awkward and i held my elbow toward her for her to hold. She took it and we walked down towards the riverside and proceeded to follow it in the direction of the coast.
"So April, I have to know something."
"Whats that?"
"You said you had to deliver me that invitation and I'm certainly happy to be here with you right now, but why in god's name would you even want to see me after my unfortunate first impression?" She took a breath and closed her eyes for a bit longer than a standard blink.
"The truth is you intrigue me. I see something in you. On the surface, you're shy and confused and frankly if you don't mind me saying, a bit of a mess. But in the brief ramblings i heard from you when you were in and out of;consciousness, I witnessed something... Beautiful inside of you. Maybe the world has been cruel or maybe you have some shit in your past you won't let go of. I don't know. But what i do know is that I want to know you." I was speechless. No one had ever measured me like that before, especially in such an up front manner when they had known me less than a day. What she was saying made sense but i was incapable of understanding my own demons so i could neither prove nor disprove it.
"Wow... That's one hell of a reason," I laughed slightly awkwardly as she ran her eyes over my face to see if she had upset me in anyway. I felt myself blushing, partly because i was embarrassed and exposed, partly because she was so god damned beautiful in the way her eyes moved.
"It's all I've got," she replied returning her focus to where we were heading. We walked in silence for a while and then the conversation started to pick up again. Time slipped away and we were in our own world in which we were the only two occupants. I felt myself becoming extremely comfortable around her as i revealed more and more about myself which was quite unusual for me. I learned that she was studying at university to become a journalist and she was also a keen pianist/singer. She had a lot of ambition and seemed very comfortable in being herself which was refreshing considering the crowds i usually hang out in.

My phone rang in my pocket so i pardoned myself and looked at the screen. It was a local number i didn't have stored so intrigued, i answered it.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Mr. Jason Springstein?" a woman questioned
"Yes." I replied, confused.
"This is Nancy calling from the Scottsdale regional hospital. You're friend Joel Watkins has been admitted here and you are the only contact he requested," I was shocked.
"What happened? Is he OK?" I asked in a concerned and surprised tone.
"He's alright at the moment. It seems to be a drug overdose of some kind but we aren't sure at this stage, he isn't able to tell us as he is still very hazy." I didn't know what to say. I knew Joel had had problems with methamphetamine in the past and this was surely some kind of relapse. Was this my fault? A sick feeling in my stomach set in and all the anger I had built up towards him over the course of the day subsided.
"I'll be there as soon as i can," I said, ending the call. April was looking at me, concerned.
"Everything okay?" she asked.
"No... Joel is in hospital... I don't know why yet. I'm sorry, i'm going to have to go."
"Shit... That's terrible, do you need a lift?" I didn't have a car and not a lot of money to catch another taxi so I accepted the offer. Plus, somewhere in the very back of my mind i still wanted to be around her. Perhaps she could help me deal with the guilt i was now feeling with her presence. I obviously cared for Joel's welfare, no matter how much he pissed me off at times.
The rain began to set in and we witnessed flashes in the sky, as if nature was setting a mood for the turmoil I now felt inside. We ran back to Aprils car and drove in the direction of the hospital.

The Hard Decision

Part VI

I stepped out of the car; my knee length woolen boots crunching in the snow. The skies were clear and blue and there was an eerie silence there among the snow dunes. I could see the snow capped mountains on the horizon and taste the icy breeze on my warm tongue  I closed my eyes and inhaled a large breath of this refreshing oxygen.
I began to walk up the nearest dune, approaching the apex in the hopes of seeing what was laid out ahead. I only made it probably a quarter of the way up when a man on a horse came over the top with urgency. He was dressed in fur and carried a sword on his back. His beard was long, glorious and as black as the void.
"Sovereign! You must come with me post haste! The realm is under attack!" he boomed. I turned to the car, but it wasn't there. Just white nothingness in this beautiful wonderland. I turned back to the man, his horse now reared before me. He ushered me to climb on the back, so I began to. As I did, I heard a distant and irritating rhythm. I concentrated, it sounded like... Eminem?

I woke suddenly and sharply to the high pitched squeal of my shifty mobile phone speakers playing my mp3 alarm tone. For some reason, I always set my alarm tones to songs I enjoy, consequently making me hate them. In this instance, i was no longer a fan of 'Without Me'. I felt extremely tired and as though I'd been hit around the head with a large, dead fish. Why was this incessant noise disturbing the wonder and marvel of my dreams? I reached over and bashed violently around my bedside table. I knocked over a glass of water in the process, but eventually I found the phone and hastily turned off the song. I laid there a moment, dangerously close to drifting off again. Then I remembered the events of the night before.
April had left me. There was a note on the pillow I saw and my heart skipped a beat. Perhaps a phone number? Instead, it read simply 'Good morning :)'. I wasn't really sure how to take it, weather this was a good or a bad sign. Would I ever see her again? I was going to have to ponder it on the move because I needed to get ready pronto. It seemed i snoozed several times because I only had twenty minutes to shower, shave, dress and walk to work.

I got up, made my way to the shower and pondered how tired I was and how unenthused i felt about spending eight hours at my place of employment. I was a full time shelf-stacker at a local supermarket called Wentworths. It was the most degrading thing in my life as I absolutely hated having to be nice to people that made me feel smaller than them. Not so much the customers, more the management. Day in, day out i would drive my body to its limits trying to adhere to their super-human schedule and still i was slandered and trodden on. I had developed a serious grudge against 'The man' and subjected myself to a waterfall of alcohol to wash the shame of being a cog in a machine i despised.

I stepped out of the shower and glanced at my phone. Ten minutes to get ready and walk to work. It was going to be a struggle. I cut myself four times shaving with my blunt razor, partly due to rushing, partly due to the aforementioned dullness of the blade. I placed little ripped up bits of toilet paper on the bleeds and threw my clothes on and ran out the door. I was so tired, i couldn't remember if i had locked it, but didn't have time to check.

I arrived at work, clocking on with the fingerprint scanning machine. The time read 6:03. I was no doubt going to have some snide remark thrown my way for my lack of punctuality. I walked with haste to the stock area and grabbed my first trolley of boxes for the day...

The morning crept very slowly into the afternoon as i droned away at the same monotone tasks i did most every day. When it came time to eventually clock off, i was ecstatic. I retrieved my phone from my locker. Three new messages and one missed call from a private number. I hate private numbers. Now i would never know who this mystery call was from. One message was a message saying i had missed a call, one was from Joel and one was from a number i didn't have saved. I read the one from Joel 'Hey man, I'm sorry about last night. I can be a fuck head sometimes... :/ Anyway, what are you doin tonight?'. Typical, some short winded apology followed by his incessant need to do something. There was no way i wanted to see him tonight, I had no desire to pretend we were fine. I read the mysterious phone number message 'Hey Hey, guess who? :)'. I really didn't know. I hadn't lost a number for years so unless someone got a new number (and even then, i don't know why they would message me as no one ever does), I had no idea who this was from. I replied 'No idea... Hint?'. The thought crossed my mind it may be April and I smiled slightly to myself.
I walked briskly back to my residence, exhausted and debating weather or not i would take a nap when i arrived. As much as I really wanted to, any moment spent away from that place was precious so i decided I would probably use the time to clean all the empty bottles and contraband that was no doubt still littering my home. Snowballs chance in hell Joel had been around to fix it. I arrived and walked through the back door which was unlocked as I had thought in my manic rush that morning. It didn't seem anyone had been in there, though you could forgive a less informed individual for thinking that it had been invaded by a tribe of mad natives. It was a filthy mess, resembling more of an abandoned brothel than an average, suburban dwelling. Broken bottles on the floor, countless spilt liquids, cigarette ash and a broken vase my mother had given me for Christmas. Thankfully, I hated it and was not overly fond of bright colours so it seldom had flowers in it anyway. I decided to start by having a smoke out the back as i hadn't had one all day and was in desperate need. As I sat inhaling the sweet nectar, my phone rang in my pocket. I fumbled around my pants with one hand while the other flapped the cigarette about the air in an attempt to avoid burning myself in the rush. I nearly missed the call but managed to get it out in time. I answered "Hello?"
"Hey hey Jason, what ya doing?" the female voice at the other end responded. I recognized it immediately as being my ex-girfriend Veronica Phelps. We had been together three years and broke up almost a year ago by her doing. The decision wasn't a mutual one at first, but with time I saw wisdom in it. The three years of our relationship were some of the greatest of my life, we had loved each other with the intensity of a cyclone, the only problem was the carnage it left behind. We weren't right for each other and this was abundantly clear in our excessive and intense arguments. The only thing we had in common was our feelings for one another but ultimately, that was not enough. I often thought of it as being kind of sweet that we stuck it out for each other. I still cared about her, i could never stop.
"Hey hun, I just got home from that shit hole of a job of mine. What's up?" I replied.
"Oh, i was just thinking of you and I got an extra half a kilo of lamb leg to roast tonight. Thought I could interest you?" I thought for a moment.
"Sounds great! You gonna pick me up?"
"Sure, I'll be there in an hour,"
"Sounds divine. See you then,"
"Catchya," She hung up. Now, at least i didn't have to worry about adding pressure to my already broken body by forcing it to feed itself. I hadn't seen Veronica in about a week so it would be nice to spend some time with her. I did miss her and the way she cared for me...

We pulled up in Veronica's driveway in front of the house she had just bought. It was overkill. It was just her and her cat that lived here and she had five rooms last i counted.
"Should be about ready by now, i'd better run in and check in case my kitchens on fire!" said Veronica with a quirky expression as she ran up the garden path to her front door. She was so short, I'd almost forgotten it. She was at least a whole head smaller than I but it was in a kind of sexy way. I had always been very attracted to her, that was never a problem in our relationship. She had short blonde hair now, a change from the fiery read head I'd met years ago. But definitely not a bad one, it was matched well with her deep brown eyes. As I strolled up the driveway behind her, i reached into my pocket and retrieved my phone. Two new messages. Joel again saying 'Man, i need you right now. I feel like a cunt and I'm havin real problems. Please answer :(.' I decided i'd reply to him after tea, let him suffer a bit longer. He deserved it after seeing the extent of my homes desolation an hour earlier. The other was from the unnamed sender earlier 'I think you know who... I still need you to convince me your buddy isn't a douche bag ;)'. The realization dawned on me that it was indeed April. I nearly dropped my phone in excitement and immediately felt like an idiot for feeling that way. Knowing it was her was like a streak of sunshine in the thick blanket of misery my life was currently enveloped by. But, in order for me to even have a remote chance with her, she needed to remain oblivious to this fact. Therefore, I decided it best to play it cool and hesitate from answering for at least an hour so i returned the phone to my pocket and walked in the open front door to Veronica's house.
Her house, as per the norm, was immaculately clean the way she liked it. Living with me had always been a challenge for her because of this fact. The cream coloured carpet was spotless, the curtains were neatly laced up and the late afternoon sun was warmingly shining through. She had the coffee table in the middle of the lounge room lit up with five white candles in golden holders. The big plasma television was set up adjacent from this with the blue two person couch on the other side. Perfect set up for watching TV and eating as we had done everyday after work all that time ago. I pictured her doing it here on her own now and it saddened me. She must have been so lonely in this enormous house with only the likes of her annoying cat Tiffany to keep her company. The best reason i could gather for why she was still single is because perhaps she was a little weird, hence her attraction to me. Or perhaps also that she severely lacked in confidence as her parents had not provided her with the emotional support she needed which was pivotal to personal growth. Either way, I knew she didn't want to be here on her own and i felt it was my duty to keep a smile on her face whenever i could, i owed her that.
"Honey, could you give me a hand?" she called from the kitchen. We still used pet names with each other. Our relationship was like an old battlefield, still littered with the chaos of war but no soldiers still skirmished.
"Coming," I responded, walking into the kitchen which was also shining like a diamond minus the preparation tools for our lamb roast. I assisted her by getting the Lamb from the oven with a tea towel as this was always what i had done to help out. As I sat it on the bench to rest, she asked "Jason, can I talk to you?"
"Of course you can darling, what's wrong?"
"I'm not doing so well here on my own," she began, her voice cracking slightly as a sure sign things were not okay behind her brave face.
"I'm struggling to pay for this place on my own and my parents just got divorced. Work is a nightmare and at the end of the day, none of my friends seem to get me like you do," she wrapped her arms around me and i held her back. I realized how much i missed the sensation of human contact, apart from the fist-to-face kind.
"Sweetheart, i know it's hard. I'm not exactly getting by easily either and i'm not one to be able to give you a lot of advice on the subject..." She cut me off.
"I don't need advice. Right now, I just need you to hold me," she began to sob. So I did. For a good long while we just stood in the kitchen as she cried salty tears all onto my black five dollar polo top. My mood grew somber as I related with the pain she was in; desperately wanting to take us both away to a place where we belonged and no one had to hurt anymore. But that place really didn't exist as far as I could see or surely we'd have found it by now. After some time, I broke the silence.
"Well, when it's really hard V, just remember Tiffany has it just as hard," I joked. I got a chuckle and she pushed me away and wiped her eyes.
"Thanks," she said, beginning to carve the leg of Lamb.

We sat fairly quietly eating our tea and exchanging idol conversation with one another. I had really missed how warm it felt to be in a nice home with good food and a good woman. It was authentically peaceful and for a while, i found myself feeling as if i were there, in the relationship again. That scared me somewhat and i quickly jumped back from my delusions and into reality.
We spoke for a while about our lives and how we were fairing in the world and i offered what little advise and support i could which she seemed to appreciate. I would do anything to see to it she spent the rest of her life in happiness, though it seemed there was really nothing i could do. Perhaps to walk out of her life would be best so she could properly move on, but then again, i couldn't stand not knowing how she was so my motives in the end were ultimately selfish. When she asked about me, I tried to lie and make out things were fine and that i wasn't spiraling around the drain but she saw through it. She knew i was having a hard time finding my purpose out there and my methods for numbing the purposelessness. There was nothing she could say she hadn't already. We were just two tortured souls finding comfort in one and others different inabilities to function.
The television was advertising some kind of towel heater, you plug it in and it keeps the towels warm. What a genuinely superfluous idea this seemed yet it was being pushed on TV as if it were as necessary as air. Things like this just served as a quiet reminder that i really did not belong in this world.
We finished our meals and I pondered staying with Veronica the night, she would have been glad to have me and i normally would have. However, this time I had other business i wanted to tend to and I didn't want to hurt her feelings by spending time texting people. I thanked her and we hugged again for a long time. There was even a kiss on the lips good bye. She was definitely in an emotional ditch i could tell as every time i had tried to kiss her in this way since we split, my efforts were met with her struggling to pull her head away. I wasn't complaining.
I walked out the front door to where the taxi i had called earlier was waiting to pick me up. I got in the back seat and looked at my phone. Two messages, one from Joel reading 'Man, seriously! I really need u. I'm sorry for everything but this is important!' and the other from the unknown whom i was now sure was April '...well, if you were looking to convince me I don't have much on tonight ;)'. Wow, this was the most I had felt needed by so many people in a long time!
I sat in the back seat of the taxi and the driver turned and asked "Where to?"

The Shortened Slumber

Part V

At first, all i could see was a hazy blur. I felt peaceful. It was a brief window into what i could only imagine was an empty and clear mind with nothing but my consciousness shining through. Unfortunately though, it ended with the first sensation i regained being pain. My head was throbbing all over, primarily in my jaw and the upper right corner of my skull. As soon as the pain kicked in, i began to panic. Where was I and why the fuck couldn't i see anything but skewed colours? I violently began blinking and strangely at the same time, realized it was really loud. My vision returned and i saw i was at home, half-sitting/half-laying on the couch. There were strange people in my lounge room and what i assume was Tupac was playing obnoxiously loud on my sound system. Everyone was drunk it would seem and the atmosphere reeked of spirits and cigarettes.
I glanced up the wall to the clock. 4:25 the analogue hands indicated. Memory started rushing back of the drinking and the punch up. The sun was down i could see through the non-illuminated vertical blinds. I sheepishly calculated in the space of around thirty seconds that i started work in two hours and thirty-five minutes. I was going to feel like shit. But, at the forefront of my mind was a whirlwind of questions. I looked around the room for Joel or at least someone i recognized. He wasn't in the room.
I attempted to stand but immediately felt dizzy.
"Woah, you can't get up yet!" an empathetic and oddly familiar warm voice instructed me, struggling to contend with the music. I looked up to see her walk in from the hallway. What the fuck was she doing here and why was she telling me what to do? She came over and knelt down beside the couch.
"Sorry, i would have taken you somewhere quieter but you were adamant you wanted to sit on the couch," she said. I had spoken to her? This was obviously not the first time i had regained consciousness.
"Uhhh... It's okay," I struggled. "What happened?" That was the only question i could think of to which the answer might cover most of the lack of current knowledge i was having.
"Well," she began, placing her hand on my leg and looking up at me. "You jumped in to save your douche bag friend and Jamie, my best friends douche bag boyfriend punched you in the head," she said, smiling at me. I melted a little, trying desperately to conceal it.
"After you fell, shit got a little heated. There was yelling and screaming but the bar staff grabbed us all and removed us. You were outside with a bouncer and I saw you there and asked him what they were going to do with you. They told me you were in and out of consciousness and you needed to go home. So, considering your 'mate'" she gestured parentheses with her fingers "was no where to be seen, i took the honor. I felt i owed it to you for nearly knocking you out the first time near the toilets," she winked. I smiled weakly.
"Thank you..." I said, not sure weather to be ashamed or not yet. "How did you get me home?"
"Well, we waited for a taxi for half an hour, you didn't say much which is understandable. Every time you did though, you insisted we could walk it. I insisted I couldn't carry you. The taxi eventually came and here we are. Oh, and you gave me the address," she smiled. She still had failed to explain the ridiculous number of strangers partying at my residence.
"Wow," i said rubbing my head and gazing around the room.
"Thanks for doing that... Why are..."
"...there like 30 people dancing around your house?" she cut me off, finishing my sentence.
"Yeah, it's kind of freaking me out a bit," I responded.
"Well, i cant be certain, but I'm pretty sure it had something to do with your loud-mouthed friend,"
"Shit I'm sorry. I forgot to apologize for him, he is an arrogant dick sometimes," I said, suddenly remembering i had actually let his actions go unacknowledged.
"It's alright, I don't really know what you see in him. But, then again i barely know you," she looked at me questioningly. Every ounce of my frail being was terrified of this person. I always felt people could see my soul through my eyes like i was exposed, but she was worse. I felt her numbering my flaws and arranging them in her head, it was unsettling. But i couldn't help but stare back. There was a very soothing calm in hers. It was a feeling of open and complete seperatelessness, yet at the same time her essence alluded me. A puzzle i wanted to solve.
"I'm not like that so much. His sober characteristics really do outweigh his shitty drunkeness." I lied. I couldn't tell her the truth about our co-dependency. It would show how weak i really was.
"Hmmm... You will have to convince me of that," she smiled. My heart fluttered as i caught the slight impression she intended to give me that chance.
"What's your name?" she asked.
"My name?" I repeated, somewhat stunned she even wanted to know. "My name is Jason..." She extended her hand with intention to shake mine.
"Well hello there Jason, my name is April. If i told you my last name would you promise not to laugh?" she asked, shaking my hand.
"Can't be any worse than Springstein..." I replied. My last name bothered me, I wasn't sure why as most people didn't really seem to mind it. She laughed.
"Well, it is kinda actually..." she said rolling her eyes slightly. "Winters," she finished.
"Are you for real?" I asked, somewhat excitedly. I felt myself growing more comfortable around her which is something that was very unnerving for me. I was going to have to shut down soon, this was getting to... I stopped my self-sabotage monologue and finished with "Your name is 'April Winters?'"
"Did i stutter?" she replied in mock anger. I laughed at her.
"Fair enough then, it's kinda cool I suppose," i said, not having much else in me to say as i was dazed and confused. There was a short silence, then i said "I guess i better solve the mystery of this rave."
"Lead the way," she said, smiling. I got up slowly from the couch, April helping me up with her elegant yet short fingers. She had short fingernails, clearly a nail-biter, as was I. We wondered about the house, around the random drunks. I checked the spare bedroom, which i could see Joel was passed out in with some strange woman sleeping at the foot of the bed like a dog; arm over the edge half holding a bottle of vodka as gravity slowly pried it to the floor. Surprisingly  she was completely clothed in some full body pink dress. Joel often used this room for his pick-ups, it disgusted me but due to my current friend crisis, i let him get away with bloody murder. This time was an exception, however. I was fucking angry at him as i was 99% sure this was his fault. I ripped the blankets from over top of him, got the vodka bottle from the girls hand and poured the mouthful or two of the liquid on his face.
"Fuck! What?!" he blurted, slapping his face violently in confusion.
"What the fuck is going on in my fucking house you sociopathic fucking mongoloid!?" i yelled, waking his female company. He looked at me and could see i was pissed. He backed down.
"Uhh... I don't know. You disappeared and i ran into these people who were looking for somewhere to party and yeah, this happened..."
"Well, i have to work in like 2 hours so i'm going to bed! Get these cunts out of my house or I won't be letting you in it anymore," I lowered my yelling a little. April was behind me and i didn't want her thinking i was a complete nut.
"Yeah, alright. Sorry man," he said, slowly getting out of bed. I returned to the lounge room and turned the music off as Joel went about pushing the inebriated occupants to the door.
"I've gotta sleep. Thank you again for everything you did, that was really... special," I said, turning to April. She smiled back at me, melting me as it always did. What was wrong with me?
"It's okay, it was a pleasure. Let me take you to bed," she said, grabbing my hand and leading me to what i could only guess was her assumption of where my room was. This caught me a little off guard. She certainly wasn't shy.
We arrived unscathed into my messy bedroom, complete with empty beer bottles strewn everywhere all over the dirty washing. It smelt like stale cigarettes, the bed was unmade and the scungy lamp i had was still on laying on the floor. I really needed to clean up, this was embarrassing.
"Is this your room?" she asked, shocked expression on her face.
"Well... Yeah. I didn't leave it like this," my second lie for the night. I was already lying to her. The sad truth was I was so completely ashamed of who i was, there was no way i was ready to share this damage with her. At least not yet. Thankfully, no doubt due to the current circumstances, she bought it.
"Bastards," she said, spreading my blankets out and gesturing me to enter my bed.
"Don't get any ideas, you're gonna have to buy me dinner first," she said, using some kind of cheeky smile i had never seen anyone use before. This was hard for me but i found a relatively smooth response in "Of course not, i'm a perfect gentleman," I smiled at her. I got into the bed and oddly enough, she laid down next to me.
"So Jason, how is the head?"
"Hmmm... Still spinning relentlessly... Tomorrow is gonna suck!"
"You better get what sleep you can then..." she replied soothingly, running her hand down my face, closing my eyes. Maybe I was still unconscious and this was a dream, but it felt so real. I wasn't really sure what to do so i just did what she said. She finger massaged my head for a bit, telling me my brain needed comforting. It didn't make a lot of sense, but i went with it. She could have told me she was shielding my mind from alien probes and i would have done as she asked.
"Good night," I whispered.
"Good night," She whispered back. Simple yet elegant somehow. It fit, here in this dark room of filth. I was elevated away for a few moments before i fell asleep. Taken to somewhere that wasn't quite as foreboding as the reality i had single-handedly built myself, brick by brick. Here with her in this one particular moment in frozen time, I actually felt home. I drifted off...

The Trivial Redemption

PART IV

As I inhaled the dry and soothing smoke from the taylor made cigarette I had bummed off some random individual moments earlier, I could see the atmosphere outside the pub was far more intense than inside. There were a lot of drunken, rowdy young men laughing hysterically and far fewer young ladies sitting at tables. This was typical in this town however. The ratio of men to women was somewhat unbalanced, thus making it difficult for any man (or lesbian) to find a night time 'partner'.
It was now 11:00. I started work in 7 hours. I closed my eyes and tried to shake the helpless feeling of knowing there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I sculled a few mouthfuls of my beer to numb the pain a bit and I noticed I was feeling mildly tipsy.
"Fuck you're a girl!" Joel drunkenly stammered as he stumbled over from wherever he was, Jack Daniels in hand. He was clearly inebriated.
"What the fuck? What have I done this time?" I said impatiently. I really wasn't in the mood tonight. Joel and Jack Daniels meant a bad night for anyone who interacted with him. He got a little angry on it.
"With that chick before, you were sayin... She basically wanted you to fuck her right there," he paused, chuckling to himself "but you left like a pussy. You know what? I'm gonna go find her," Then he walked off in the direction of the bar
"Hang on for fucks sake!' I yelled as I jumped to my feet. Last thing I wanted was for him to go and humiliate me further which was all he was capable of doing at the moment.

Joel pushed through several groups of people on his way through the inner crowd, all the while I was following with an apologetic look on my face every time one of them looked at me, as if i were somehow responsible. This is always how i felt in crowds; like there was something i should be doing that i wasn't. Doctors called it 'social anxiety', i called it 'fear of fitting in'. I really didn't want to be like all of the broken angels of this place. I didn't want to be content living in the lower-middle class so i rebelled against it. My rebellion however, was only in my alcoholism, which harmed only me. I often thought of myself as a crusader for good and that my self-destruction was somehow poetic and noble. But who was I kidding? It was pathetic.

"Hello ladies," Joel said, extending his hand to the four gorgeous young women he had reached at the bar whilst i was soul searching. Thankfully, none of them were her.

"Fuck off," one at the back of the pack said, rudely. She clearly had no time for drunks tonight. Joel had a disgusted look on his face. 'Shit...' i thought to myself. This was not going to end well.

"No, you shut the fuck up slut, i wasn't even talking to you," he replied, pointing at an innocent woman at the back. Clearly, he had no idea who had said it. Before anyone could react, I stepped in front of Joel and lowered his arm, turning to the women.

"I'm sorry about him, he doesn't mean it. He has had a rough day..." I tried to excuse him, but to no avail. Joel piped up again "Like fuck! This whore thinks she's fucking better than me!" he said, trying to push past me to get in her face. I cringed and turned around. By this time, we had attracted the subtle attention of the drama hungry audience, desperate to see some action but not wanting to appear that way as they all glanced out the corner of their eyes. The bar staff had also began to notice. We were going to get kicked out, i could see it coming.

"Who the fuck is this cock bag?" a booming voice said. I turned from Joel and the crowd at our backs to see that a man, much larger than either of us, had stepped out from behind where the girls stood. Obviously, a fitness junky and it was also becoming obvious he was the boyfriend. Shit.

"What the fuck you say to me?" Joel snapped his anger quickly onto the new antagonizing party. There wasn't going to be much more time for words so i mustered up every bit of liquid strength i had and pushed Joel back, turning to the man. I took a step towards him and noticed out the corner of my eye she was standing by the women Joel had approached. She obviously only just got there because her face was contorted in a manner that displayed surprise and shock. I quickly noted her presence and added it to the courage i had mustered.

"Mate, this is all a misunderstanding," I began, waving my arms submissively without looking weak, trying to diffuse the situation.

"My friend here..."

"Your friend? Your friends with this mother fucker?" he raged at me. I was in some real trouble now.

"Well, yeah. He got fired from his..." I began to make some excuse for why Joel was being his usual asshole self when in the blink of an eye, i felt this ridiculously well built jock's knuckles impacting with my cheek; rattling my teeth. I hoped i hadn't looked to pathetic and i wished i wasn't with Joel and about a thousand other things as i fell to the floor. My head smacked the polished boards hard, then it was black...